On July 11th, I got the blessed and surprise news that I was expecting a baby. We had been trying, but for some reason, I was still surprised to see those 2 beautiful lines on the pregnancy test. It had been since October of 2007 since I had seen 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test. I was overjoyed and ecstatic, but also nervous and cautious at the same time. We had gone back and forth for months and months not knowing if we should try for another, but we always felt there was one more out there. With Henry just turning 4 years old, we thought now was the perfect time to give it a try!
Over the last 5 weeks, I’ve been excited to share the news, but also very aware that I like to make sure everything looks good and healthy for me and the baby. We were excited to see have an ultrasound 2 weeks ago that showed a healthy heartbeat and a good size and measuring about 7 weeks. I had gone back 2 days later to meet with my actual OB/GYN and he said that he’d do another ultrasound for me so he could take a look and see how things looked. Upon checking everything out, he said the heartbeat looked good, but he was concerned with the amount of amniotic fluid, it seemed a little low for the stage I was at in my pregnancy. Of course, like every mom, I was very concerned and very nervous. My doctor said he wanted to monitor my progress for the next few weeks, which I was very pleased to hear. We made an appointment for a follow-up ultrasound for August 18th, today.
Sadly, there wasn’t a heartbeat when we went in today. I was around 9 weeks.
My heart is very heavy today with the news.
I have miscarried once before, so I know that time does heal and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve written about my story here before, and my Benjamin and Henry wouldn’t be here if that hadn’t happened, I’ve always believed that.
I just felt the need to share this news this morning.
I wanted to give my child presence.
I wanted to acknowledge the beauty and excitement and wonder we got to feel for 5 weeks.
We had told the boys the news, and they were BEYOND excited! I have never been pregnant with “older” children, so it was cool seeing how involved they were. Every morning William would ask me, “So how big is the baby today?” And whatever I said (sesame seed, tic tac, lima bean, etc), he would nickname it that for the next few days. It was tough sharing the news with them, but it was the innocence that made me smile, “So will you try again for another baby?” And it made me smile.
I’ve always been a believer in that everything happens for a reason, even when the reason may hurt.
I’ve always been one to share pretty much everything on my blog, and today… well, this is the reality in my life. I just wanted to get something down in writing. I needed to share the news. There’s been lots of tears today. There’s been lots of tissues used. But I know we’ll get through this as a family.
I’m hugging my 4 beautiful boys extra close today and counting my blessings.
And I’m also thinking about my beautiful baby who will now be watching over us.