Heavy Heart Today…

On July 11th, I got the blessed and surprise news that I was expecting a baby.  We had been trying, but for some reason, I was still surprised to see those 2 beautiful lines on the pregnancy test.  It had been since October of 2007 since I had seen 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test.  I was overjoyed and ecstatic, but also nervous and cautious at the same time.  We had gone back and forth for months and months not knowing if we should try for another, but we always felt there was one more out there.  With Henry just turning 4 years old, we thought now was the perfect time to give it a try!

Over the last 5 weeks, I’ve been excited to share the news, but also very aware that I like to make sure everything looks good and healthy for me and the baby.  We were excited to see have an ultrasound 2 weeks ago that showed a healthy heartbeat and a good size and measuring about 7 weeks.  I had gone back 2 days later to meet with my actual OB/GYN and he said that he’d do another ultrasound for me so he could take a look and see how things looked.  Upon checking everything out, he said the heartbeat looked good, but he was concerned with the amount of amniotic fluid, it seemed a little low for the stage I was at in my pregnancy.  Of course, like every mom, I was very concerned and very nervous.  My doctor said he wanted to monitor my progress for the next few weeks, which I was very pleased to hear.  We made an appointment for a follow-up ultrasound for August 18th, today.

Sadly, there wasn’t a heartbeat when we went in today.  I was around 9 weeks.

My heart is very heavy today with the news.

I have miscarried once before, so I know that time does heal and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I’ve written about my story here before, and my Benjamin and Henry wouldn’t be here if that hadn’t happened, I’ve always believed that.

I just felt the need to share this news this morning.

I wanted to give my child presence.

I wanted to acknowledge the beauty and excitement and wonder we got to feel for 5 weeks.

We had told the boys the news, and they were BEYOND excited!  I have never been pregnant with “older” children, so it was cool seeing how involved they were.  Every morning William would ask me, “So how big is the baby today?” And whatever I said (sesame seed, tic tac, lima bean, etc), he would nickname it that for the next few days.  It was tough sharing the news with them, but it was the innocence that made me smile, “So will you try again for another baby?”  And it made me smile.

I’ve always been a believer in that everything happens for a reason, even when the reason may hurt.

I’ve always been one to share pretty much everything on my blog, and today… well, this is the reality in my life. I just wanted to get something down in writing. I needed to share the news.  There’s been lots of tears today.  There’s been lots of tissues used.  But I know we’ll get through this as a family.

I’m hugging my 4 beautiful boys extra close today and counting my blessings.

And I’m also thinking about my beautiful baby who will now be watching over us.

xo

Heavy Heart Today… was last modified: August 18th, 2012 by Audrey McClelland
SHOWHIDE Comments (135)
  1. Hugs Audrey. I had no idea. I am so sorry that you have to walk this journey. I too have lost sweet babies before they were in my arms. It’s so difficult to understand. My love to you.

  2. Very sorry to read of your loss, Audrey. I admire your faith and your strength to be able to write about your experience in such a positive way. (I was nowhere near as composed as you sound when I lost my babies!) Prayers for you, Matt, and the boys.

  3. Oh, Audrey….{{hugs}} to you friend.

    How beautifully you’ve honored the life you carried for such a short time; what an encouragement I know you’ll be for others who find themselves in similar circumstance.

    xo

  4. Audrey, I’m so sorry for your loss. From the moment you see those lines on the test, your life is forever changed. I’ve been there, and know how much that hurts. You are so amazing to share that story with everyone, because it’s very rarely talked about, and such a painful experience. Hug those boys tightly… Thinking of you sweet girl.

  5. I am so sorry for you and your family. By sharing with us the brief few weeks you had with them, you are celebrating their existence. God bless.

  6. Sorry to hear this, Audrey. I know how hard this is for you and your gorgeous family. Went through this a year ago with my 2nd oldest daughter and it’s truly heartbreaking. So glad your boys could bring a smile to your face during a tough time.

  7. Audrey, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you right now and I want you to know I will be praying for you. We lost our sweet little Presley Kate about 9 months ago when I was 20 weeks along, she has changed our lives forever and I know this sweet baby has changed yours. Thinking of you today! Hugs!!!

  8. I am so sorry to read about this and for your miscarriage. You are a beautiful person, and I wish you didn’t need to feel this heartache. I’ll be thinking of you and your family. HUGS!!!!

  9. I am so very sorry, Audrey. I, too, have been there – and of course, it sucks. 🙁 *hugs* to you & Matt and your beautiful boys.

  10. Oh sweetie – I am just so sorry! I also had already told Jackson when I found out our second baby had died. Telling Jackson was the worst day of my life. HUGS!!!!!
    Like you, when I got home from the hospital, I hugged my Jackson and Susan’s Julia SO tight. It was such a comfort to hold them. Sending you love and prayers!

  11. Audrey, I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. It is the pain only a mom can really know and understand. Virtual hugs to you, as you go through the healing process.

  12. Oh Audrey…I am so sorry. I was instantly transported back 18 months when I lost my baby. My heart is heavy for you and I am sending you a sisterhood hug. Thank you for sharing with us and trusting us strangers with your story.

  13. So sorry for your loss, Audrey. My thoughts are with you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story. I think too many people remain silent about miscarriage. It’s a very real thing and the more we talk about it, the better it is for all of us.

  14. Oh Audrey, thank you for sharing in this time of grief. Your boys are so sweet with their enthusiasm and their bright hopes that you will try again. Blessings to your angel.

  15. Oh, Honey… my heart is broken for the loss of the sweet Tiny Angel grandbaby who will forever be in my heart, soul and mind. The journey of this baby on earth was short, but so happy and joyous and powerful and beautiful and precious… and that “life” continues in Heaven, surrounded with all the love that has gone before. We don’t know right now, we can’t know right now why these things happen, but there is an answer. This answer will come. You have given this Tiny Angel a great presence today, and through my river of tears I see that great presence. Dad, me, Grandma Rita… we are heartbroken, and in all of our combined age and wisdom we wish we could take this great pain and emptiness from you and Matt and the boys. You are stronger than anyone I know… your name Audrey means “noble strength”… and your faith is mountains high. Your faith touches Heaven, right at the feet of your Tiny Angel. I love you, Honey, from a place you know as a Mom. It is beyond words. xoxoxox

  16. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know how difficult this can be, but like you I believe everything happens for a reason even when we can’t understand what that reason may be. My thoughts are with you and your family knowing that in time you will be blessed with another beautiful healthy baby. If you need anything let me know

  17. oh, sweet Audrey.
    My heart is heavy for you as well. I will send up healing prayers for you and all your boys.

    BIG giant love to you all.
    M

  18. Having been through this myself a long time ago, I can tell you that I know how you feel. My heart breaks for you and your whole family. Everything does happen for a reason and even though we can’t imagine what it could possibly be, we will find out one day. In the meantime, you have another beautiful guardian angel to watch over you all. My love and tears pour out to you today. If only I could, I would reach through this computer screen and hug you all close. Love and hugs!!

  19. Understanding hugs and prayers for you and your family. Six times for us. After the third, my oldest was not quite two at the time and we had already told him. One day we were going to visit G’pa and he asked, “Where’s g’ma?” I told him she was in heaven w/Jesus. He got this HUGE smile on his face and said, “I bet she’s taking care of our babies!!” I still get tears in my eyes when I think about it. The faith of a child. My heart hurts for you, though,

  20. Audrey – I am so very sorry for your loss. It’s heartbreaking. I know how difficult loss of a pregnancy can be and just how heavy your heart must feel. We planted a tree in our yard in honor of the baby we lost at 22 weeks. It’s beautiful to see that tree in bloom:) Sending you lots of hugs and well wishes.

  21. Audrey, my heart hurts for you today. Praying you all find peace. Take time as a family to just hold and comfort one another.

    I love you and will be praying for you all.

  22. Oh Audrey, I am soooooo sorry!!!!

    I was so scared at each appointment that I’d receive that heartbreaking news.

    Thank God you have such a wonderful supportive family to bring you through this time.

  23. Oh gawd Audrey. I’m so so sorry. Having been in your shoes, I know too well the heartache. In God’s time my friend, in God’s time.

    Praying for peace, comfort, and understanding. I love y’all so much.

  24. Oh my Audrey, I am so, so sad to read this. I know you have immense strength and so much support around you, but please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. xoxoxo Christine

  25. I won’t even begin to pretend to understand what it must feel like right now, seeing as how I don’t have any children and I’ve never miscarried. But my mother miscarried between my sister and I, and I know it was tough for her and my father. I was too young (a year old) at the time to understand it. Sending you lots of love, and yes, give those boys an extra snuggle today. I’ve always admired your strength, and I know you’ll be mustering it up to get through this. 🙂 xoxo

  26. I’m not even sure what to say. I can’t even imagine how hard this must be, especially with the boys knowing.

    Hugs and prayers coming from my family to yours right now.

  27. I’m so, so sorry, Audrey. Having experienced several myself, I can empathize with what you’re going through. I’ll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGZ!!))

  28. *sniff* How sad. Thanks for sharing, Audrey. I don’t know that I could have, and it shows what a wonderful mother you are to introduce your baby to the world despite it being under such heartbreaking circumstances. Sam and I send our love to you and your beautiful family (even to the McClelland babies who have preceded us in Heaven.) God Bless!

  29. You have my positive thoughts and blessings coming your way… I was 30, when I got married
    and my husband, 23! We are the very happy and
    proud parents of two sons ( which wasn’t an
    easy thing for me ). Our oldest, 23, just got
    engaged and our youngest is 20! I now look
    forward to someday being a grandmother!!!!!
    I still remember people asking me if we planned
    on trying for a girl?! I still say, Why?, when we
    had 2 perfectly healthy sons that blessed our
    lives. Take care of yourself…Cindi

  30. You have such strength. Thank you for sharing this with your readers today. Our hearts are with you and hope that your healing process continues to bring you peace.

  31. My heart aches for you. I too have had two miscarriages, and I thank you for being so honest with what is going on in your life. Thinking and praying for all six of you today!

  32. I am so sorry to hear your heartbreaking news. I know your pain all too well. Lots of love and prayers to you and your family. Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve your loss. Hugs!

  33. Thank you for sharing this in such a lovely way. I’m so sorry to hear this but glad you shared it.

  34. As the mother of four, the mother who’s also miscarried 5 pregnancies, my heart is heavy for you, too. There are no words, only love. And you have mine, Audrey.

  35. Audrey, my heart is broken for you today. I’m so sorry. I’m sending you my love and a thousand hugs today from miles away. <3

  36. Oh Audrey. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is so, so hard. I am praying for you and your family…much love and comfort. We have little ones dancing together in heaven today. xoxo

  37. Audrey I am so sorry for your loss, I remember at CVS when you talked about wanting another baby. I am honestly at a loss for words. You are such a great mom and I know God has a plan for you. Your family is in our prayers. Thank you for sharing our story!.

  38. Dear Audrey, Matt and big brothers . . .

    May this little angel send God’s love and healing…

    prayers and love!

  39. Hugs to you, and the rest of your family. Take the time to grieve for your baby. You’ll never forget your baby–but hopefully God will send another healthy babe your way. I lost my little girl at 8 months–she’s still in my heart.

  40. Oh, Audrey, I am so very sorry. I wish I had better words to express how much my heart hurts for you and your family. It may sound silly, but I am glad to know that when I met you in person for the first time at Jane’s wedding, it wasn’t just you I was hugging…it was you and your sweet angel baby that God created to watch over you. I will be keeping you, Matt, the kids and all of your family in my prayers. Love you!

  41. Aubrey I’m so sorry to hear this news. I want you to know that I’ve been through and even though everybody feels different, i can understand a little of what you went through, though writing about it is the first step to healing. I wrote about it too on my blog recently (after 1 yr of going through it i was able to now) , I had the same thing happen and after the d&c ob said it was a partial molar pregnancy. I wish you the best and if you have any questions or anything, please let me know.

  42. Audrey, I’m so sorry to read this. I’m glad that you seem to be strong at such a difficult time. I guess there will always be the “What if,” but time does heal, even though that doesn’t seem possible right now. Sending a big hug you way. Wonderful to run into you several times at BlogHer. Take care of yourself.

  43. Matt and Audrey, I am sorry to hear your little one didn’t make it. Even with the loss I am confident the joy and love you felt and the excitement you shared with your other children will find new ways of continuing on. Peace, M

  44. Oh Audrey my heart is so heavy for you. I am so so so sorry to hear this – I’m praying for you, for Matt, and the boys.

  45. Such tough news! We am so saddened by this news. You are all in our prayers and our thoughts. And we are sending lots of love and hugs to you, Matt & your beautiful family. XXOO

  46. What a moving post that did indeed honor give your unborn baby presence. Sending lots of love to your and yours as you walk through this grief. xo

  47. So sorry for your loss – this was a touching post/tribute. I also had miscarriages so I know how hard it is. Hugs to you and your family during this tough time.

  48. I’m so sorry for your loss Audrey. Thank you for sharing your child with us. My heart to you and your family. (Big hugs).

  49. My heart goes out to you Audrey. I am praying for God’s strength to help you and give you peace during this storm. Much love!

  50. I stumbled onto your blog a few day ago. Going through my own “stuff” …. My three kiddos are getting older and I find my identity so firmly and very happily groundedm in “being mom” now I’m looking for the me now that they don’t need me so much anymore. Not sure what about your words struck home so much to me but I felt like I was reading a friends words when I would go to your blog daily to see what was going on. So sorry to hear your sad news. I have lost two…one at 12 weeks and one at 22 weeks and your words reminded me Of the sadness when I tried to tell my little ones….to take down all the new baby things…. So very sorry, you are in my thoughts and prayers

  51. Audrey, Im so sorry to hear of your loss. It is never easy no matter how short or long of a period of time you have been pregnant with your little one. Going from such a high to such a low takes time to get past. Im sending you a gigantic hug and lots of love & support your way.

  52. I’m so sorry Audrey! Please know that I’m praying for you and your family. I pray for God to comfort you during this time. Hugs 2U~

  53. So sorry to hear, Audrey! I love your attitude about life. I had been feeling same way about my baby, wanting to make sure everything was ok before shouting to the rooftops. I spent time mentally preparing and had a “whatever happens, happens” mentality because I know that we are all not exempt from such happenings. You are so right, everything happens for a reason and you WILL have a healthy baby when the time is right. Love you <3

  54. ive been getting strange feelings that im pregnant, could i be over thinking it. If i am i would be 5 weeks right now. I have not took a test yet cause i think its to soon. I usually get my period for 5-6 days. This time I got it for 2 days only and very heavy. Every now & then I get bad stomach pains and lower back pains. my chest has been breakin out making me itchy i dont know if its a sign or just something normal.

  55. Oh, Audrey! My heart aches for you and your family. I am sorry to hear of your loss. Your baby has presence–in your family and now with us. Wishing you healing…

Heavy Heart Today… was last modified: August 18th, 2012 by Audrey McClelland