What a difference a day makes.
Truly, what a difference, a good difference.
I just wanted to thank everyone who commented, texted, called, emailed and tweeted me. Words cannot describe how absolutely wonderful it felt to get such an overwhelming amount of love and support.
I just wanted to update everyone and let you know that we’re doing good. I woke up this morning with the sun shining through my window and a sense of peace came over me. It made me smile. I’ve always, always been a believer in finding the positive in situations. I’m just not a negative person and I love to see the good in everything (even when it’s very tough to do so). From the second I found out I was pregnant this time around, I was worried. I don’t know if maybe I had a sixth sense that potentially something was not right, but I felt it. The peace today calmed me because I knew there wouldn’t be any more worry and fear. I can’t quite describe it, but I really felt it on and off over the last 5 weeks, and I’ve never experienced that before with William, Alex, Ben or Henry. But I will always feel the love and joy of this baby, for even the short amount of time I had him/her on earth.
I have always known that I wanted more children. After having Henry, I gave 110% of myself to building my business. I knew that I couldn’t be pregnant and raise an infant all while trying to build something to what I imagined it to be. In June of this year we decided, OK… we’re ready, it’s time. Not to mention, all that Matt went through in January of this year, celebrating life… that became the forefront to our lives. The ONLY thing on earth that matters is family and health. We knew another baby was something we wanted… and (ahem!) you never, know… maybe more, too! (Matt, don’t freak out.)
Today when I woke up and went into all the boys’ rooms to see who was up, I counted my 4 blessings.
My William.
My Alexander.
My Benjamin.
My Henry.
These guys are my life. They are my inspiration. They are my heart and my soul.
When they were eating breakfast this morning, Ben asked me, “Is a baby in your belly again, Mom?” I smiled and said, “Not yet, Ben. It’s going to take a little longer than a day, sweetie.”
He looked back at me and said, “You still want another baby, right?”
I looked at all 4 of them and said, “You know why mommy wants another baby? Because I am so in love with you guys that I want to feel that again. It just wasn’t meant to be right now.”
And the truth is, it wasn’t. Talking to my mother-in-law today, I mentioned to her that I was doing well, and that I was surprised by how I have been able to process and handle it. She said something that resonated with me. She said that with age comes maturity. Maybe that’s what it is. Maybe it’s my way of dealing with it and knowing that in life we just have to live it and experience it, and it’s not always going to play out exactly the way we think. I know someday I’ll look back and realize why certain things were meant to be, but right now… the beauty of life is all the mysteries, even the toughest ones. Like my mother told me yesterday morning when I first got the news, “You’re not alone in this, Audrey…” and she was so right and so true. And that within itself made me smile and feel even better.
My William was having a tough time last night and he said to me, “It’s just very sad, Mom.” And I got it, because it is very sad. But I was able to share with him what happened when I miscarried after Alexander. He was too young to remember, which I’m thankful for, but I explained to him that our Benjamin never would have been, or our Henry. The days I found out I was pregnant with Ben and Henry, well… they were the best days of my life. Ben was a blessing for me after my miscarriage, and Henry was the most joyous surprise on earth.
I hope someday I’ll be able to look back and say, “Ahhh… so that was what was meant to be.”
But I just wanted to let you all know that I’m doing good. I’m strong and I’m a believer in faith and hope and the universe. I have some of the best friends in the world who have been so beyond, that I will forever be grateful. I was also blessed with having so many wonderful friends share some pretty powerful stories with me of their own struggles and quickly realized that no woman is ever alone when it comes to the beauty of pregnancy, birth and life cycles. Sometimes I wish women shared more because it was eye-opening and beautiful to hear so many wonderful stories of life and hope and birth.
So tonight, after devouring a HUGE dinner at Carrabba’s and enjoying my boys all afternoon in the backyard, I’m vegging on the couch to watch my Housewives of NJ. Today was a great day to just be with my family and laugh and smile and rest and relax and reflect.
And I do want to thank my Matthew. He’s my other half and partner in everything. That man has made me smile so much today, and for that… what can I say, I’m a lucky lady.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for being there for us yesterday and today; it means the world.
I will forever reciprocate in any way I can.
xo,
Audrey
My friend – I could FEEL your comforted spirit through your writing… As someone who cares deeply about you, I can tell you, I smiled a teary smile as I read. I am so grateful you are surrounded by so much goodness – though I am not at all surprised.
I can’t tell you I understand… I do wish I had the perfect words to make any of this experience even an ounce easier. I can say I’m here if you need me – and I can tell you I will continue to send you love and prayers… and I will keep your family in my thoughts.
Hoping the sun continues to shine through your windows and those beautiful boys continue to wrap you in love and comfort. xoxo
I love how you explained wanting another baby. So sweet and something they will always remember.
Glad you are doing well.
OH my stars…how I love your heart! xoxo
I knew your faith would help you through yesterday. I’m just so happy to hear you are doing well. You know, Audrey, one thing I forgot to tell you yesterday….when I had my miscarriage, they started coming in two’s. I had my twins after that miscarriage. Wouldn’t that be something! xo
I have always, always felt the same way about my miscarriages. If I’d had those babies, I’d not have my Libby, nor my Zachy. I’m so glad that you’re doing well and are at peace. I’m glad you’re not ‘alone’ in this – you are well loved, Audrey. 🙂 Plus, you have 5 handsome men in your life, instead of just 1! *hugs*
oh, i am so sorry but so pleased that you are feeling a little better. what gorgeous boys you have.
i had a miscarriage earlier this year and, like you, i had a feeling right from the beginning that things weren’t quite right. and they weren’t. i’m pregnant again and this pregnancy is completely different and feels completely different and so far the checks have been really positive, so i am hoping for an all clear at the scan next week.
thank you for writing about this, not many people would and it means a lot that you have. i felt so alone when i had a miscarriage and really struggled to find many women who had written about their experiences.
thank you! and i hope you continue to feel good!
I usually don’t write comments because I can never seem to find the right words, especially when they mean something, but here it goes.
There is nothing like perspective whether from maturity or just seeing something on TV that makes you count your blessings. Remember – h/she is just packing some more to make the journey and to keep up with four brothers.
When we couldn’t conceive after Liam, I kept wondering what was wrong. Tests, stress, worry. But looking back on it now, I realize that it just wasn’t time. There was a reason (many actually) that we weren’t meant to have a baby until now. Granted I am now trying to build a business and have a newborn at the same time. So you are definitely the more mature and smart one!
Much love to you Audrey and your family! We are always here – your blogging family. Good times and bad. Many hugs.
I’m just learning of your loss after disconnecting this weekend. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love you all! <3
You have written really beautifully about this difficult topic, it is not written about frequently but so common. over a decade ago I remember standing with a group of women and when I told them I’d had a miscarriage everyone in the circle said they had also gone through it, and we were amazed that we all had but no one had talked about it, we didn’t know. I think it is important to be able to share the difficult experiences as well as the good. I’m sure you have helped many women by talking about what you’ve gone through. I’m glad your spirits are better.
You are such an incredible woman, wife, mother and friend to so many people. You have brought tears to my eyes. Your perspective on your life is always so realistic and uplifting even in the midst of all you have been dealt with this year.
Thank you for sharing all your experiences both good and not so good. I am so glad I do receive your emails.
May you and your family continue to be blessed with the good that life has to offer.
Audrey, when the time is right, it will happen. You are so strong- a true role model! Glad you got some veg time in too, to not have to be so strong!
xo
Morra
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Give yourself time. I am always available if you need to talk.