I’ve seen more ass in the past 12 days than I’ve seen in my entire life.
Old ass. Wrinkled ass. Saggy ass. Droopy ass. Lady ass. Man ass.
(Note here that I haven’t mentioned young, virile, muscular or sassy ass. These particular asses must have a hospital wing of their own. Butt anyway, I didn’t happen upon the tight-end ass wing.)
Nope. I’ve got both Barry and my Mom in the badonkadonk wings where the asses poke, peek, dangle, droop and stare from the openings in the johnnys. Cheeks galore. Junk hanging from the trunk. Whoopie cakes without the whoopie. I know it’s all the fault of the hospital johnny… those one-size-fits-nobody torture devices with ties in random places. Problem is that the random ties don’t allow for a neat tie of the tushy. Heck… problem is that someone 50+ who happens to be sick enough to be in a hospital can’t even reach back far enough to tie those ties. Hence, the hiney doesn’t get harnessed.
Now, under ordinary circumstances, a person walking around with his or her ass hanging out would be rather disturbing. Like at the mall, the supermarket, the theater, the breakfast diner. But at a hospital, it’s almost expected… like “where’s yar booty, matey?” I’ve come to call it hasspital, and I’m beginning to look forward to it every day. There’s nothing quite like nodding hello to some stranger whose old, wrinkled, saggy, droopy man ass is poking from the porthole. Or carrying a nice raisin danish while walking behind a nice little elderly lady whose ass is nibbling on her johnny ties. Or watching some real bad ass (I do not use this term lightly) chew out a dietitian for not delivering the correct flavored pudding. Good times.
Yep. It doesn’t even seem to rumple my feathers anymore. Hasspital is beginning to grow on me. Hey, call me cheeky!
I’m just happy that the johnny-ties-that-don’t-tie are in the back. I don’t think I could come up with a name combining the word hospital with… well, you know… !!
Oh Sharon! You crack me up!! I will forever think of the hospital as the hassiptal.
I hope Barry and your Mom are doing okay.
I hope they both make a speedy recovery. <3
Your humor certainly shines through in this one!
Dearest Sharon,
It’s so good that you are able to keep you incredible sense of humor under trying circumstances.
Oh Sharon, I knew if anyone could find the humor in this, it would be you. How are things going up there? Is Barry getting solid food yet? How is Rita doing? I’m glad you got to come home and run and just get some exercise and get a little aggresion out. You are in my prayers. Love you sweet friend!
This cracks me up, and this is so the reason why I bought a black nightgown to wear when I was in labor with Tommy. I spent hours walking the halls of the hospital when I was in labor with Luke, and let me tell you, NO ONE needed to see my pregnant ass, but I’m sure too many people did!
I Love it!!!! This blog can not carry any more truth to it. From the Nurse who cared for your husband in the hasspital!
This is one of my favorite posts from you and definitely brought a smile to my face on a day when I needed one 🙂
Sharon…you are hilariass. I had to say it!