An Open Letter to Tom Brady (to be filed under “spoof”),
Hi Tom. It’s Sharon from Rhode Island. I’m a New England Patriots fan. My whole family is. Or are. Whichever sounds better to you. And I’m really really happy to see you back and healthy. Really.
You may think this letter is for an autograph. It’s not. Or money. It’s not that either.
Oh, I’m almost 57 years old. So it’s not for anything like resenting your marriage to Gisele. No way. But I did like your picture on the cover of Esquire. Yes way.
It’s your knee. Or more specifically, your knee guy. You know, Dr. Neal ElAttrache. I hope I spelled that right. I heard what he said about your knee. He said something like, “With an average person, it would have taken probably twice as long to get range of motion and strength back.” Well, maybe he said that exact. Holy touchdown, Tom.
But anyways. I’m kind of average. Maybe even below. But I want to do a sprint triathlon in a few weeks down the Cape and I’m kinda sore in the knees and back. I’m thinking if you can tell me a couple of things about getting chores done when trying to fix up my body.
Like when you take out the trash, does it hurt to carry it? Or the recycle bins. Don’t you just hate it when they only give you 2 of them and you have to break up all the cardboard 6-pack holders and then you still have to stuff it in like a pack of franks in one bun. How do you do it? Or picking up dog poop. Doesn’t that one make you bend too much? It makes me bend and gag. Someone average like me told me about the Incredible Wonder Fork but that makes me think of eating and I just gag some more. Do you use a scoop with a long handle? How about mowing the lawn? Do you pick up the poop first or let it blow? Gross, but you gotta have time for therapy, right? I used to have a mini flail mower collector with my tractor but it broke. My hopper got too full and I was too sore to empty it. The real kicker is that they said the remote greaser would make it simple to use. Go figure. Or cleaning the toilet. This one may be too personal but I gotta ask. I got one of those raised toilet seats that said it fits any toilet. Well, it didn’t and when a friend of mine who is a tubber sat on mine, it cracked. I use a toilet brush but Comet still gets stuck in that crack in the seat and it really chafes. I saw a video that told me how to clean my toilet with Coca Cola but I used Pepsi and it didn’t work. Do you use goggles and gloves when you clean your toilet? Or loading the dishwasher. Do you scrape all the leftovers off the dishes before you load them? Refer to picking up dog poop cuz this makes me gag too. Dishes are usually a snap for me if I just put them in the sink filled with water. If they stay long enough they usually get pretty clean. Except for the pans. And pumping your own gas. You know when you have to pay first? I hate that. Why can’t they go back to when I was a kid and just pump it for you. For the price we pay. Especially in the rain or snow like in New England. Anyways, my car has one of those levers that you have to use to open the gas tank thing. Problem is I have to open the door to use it. Believe it. So I figure as long as I’m wet anyways I may as well pump the gas and save from full serve. Does this happen to you? I usually select fuel grade regular but I’ve been so sore lately that I pushed diesel a couple of times on accident. But was worse was when I left the keys on in my car with my mom and a would-be thief tried to pull a fast one. My mom is 84 and from Boston and she loves you too and she loved the Boston Patriots and Billy Sullivan, Jr. and all that renegade stuff from the 60’s and everything since. Her whole family is from Boston. Not Beacon Hill, though. Problem was that the nozzle was still in the gas tank and a nice police officer saw the whole thing. Problem for the would-be thief, that is. Mom is fine. Just got a little happy with the accidental petrol inhalation. Should we use the valet guy when we go out so I don’t have to walk that far. I want to get my motion back and I think walking in 4″ stilettos is OK as long as my husband valet parks. Can you tell this to my husband. How do you make your bed? Once I bought really expensive 200-thread count sheets but they shrunk in the dryer. I had to buy new ones. Martha Stewart says to sprinkle perfume on them in the folds before you put them in the closet but now I only have one set of sheets and my husband is allergic to perfume. Do you think baking soda will do the trick? Do you use a mattress cover? How do you get that sucker on? I really pulled out my back trying to not put too much pressure on my sore leg trying to make all those elastic stretchy things fit under the mattress. Finally I just thought hey, the mattress cover is ok to sleep on so who needs luxury 200-thread counts anyways. Have you ever done this when your knee was really bad? How do you make your franks on Saturday nights? With just beans or do you make brown bread too. Once I saw on Rachael some new tricks with like onions and sauteing them and adding bacon chunks and mustard. You should try it. Just get your skillet and melt your butter and add your onions and bacon. Chop your onions and fry your bacon first, though. If you can’t lift your skillet cuz of your knee, do what I do and use aluminum. It’s not poisonous if you only use it once-in-awhile. Add your franks and bake. Oh. You should have pre-heated your oven to about 425. Since you may be making them in Brazil sometimes, you can get fancy and add pineapple and things. Gisele would like that I think. Did Dr. ElAttrache recommend heavy duty knee pads for cleaning your floors? I tried the no-skid sponge rubber ones because they say they are waterproof but they’re not for me. I got mine from a re-sale store and when I got them home the adjustable straps were missing so as I just pushed myself along my floors I kept sliding off the pads. Would you bring them back? I think I’ll just use my shrunk sheets for cleaning. Can you ask Dr. E what he thinks?
Hey Tom, if you come by my house don’t feel bad about the Pittsburgh Steelers giant inflatable uninflated and laying all over my front lawn. I tried to take it down after my son-in-law put it up last season as a joke. Don’t believe him though. He comes from Pittsburgh and his parents have season tickets down there at Heinz. This is no joke. It says it’s lightweight and durable and easy to to set up and that could be true but it’s not that easy to take down 16 weeks in a row and division playoffs and the Super Bowl and all that. Maybe that’s how I got so sore in the first place. I just saw the other day a Steelers Airblown Snow Globe on eBay for $150.00, regular $229.00, but since I finally had to pop his giant inflatable with my used Incredible Wonder Fork I thought maybe I should offer alms of some sort. What do you do when someone puts an enemy inflatable on your front lawn?
Thanks Tom in advance for your help. I don’t mind taking twice as long to get my range of motion and strength back. Hell, I’ll take 10 times as long. I just need some tips.
And oh yeah. Can you get me Dr. E’s phone number? I really want him to see the smile on my face when I come up to about a half of his expectations, being average and all.
Luv ya. Sincerely,
ps Tom, when you drive to physical therapy, do you park way on the other side of the parking lot and walk in for more exercise like mine told me to do? The last time I went my car broke down cuz of that diesel gas mistake and I walked for oh about 3 miles with my walker on Rt. 95 until a statie picked me up. I really felt range of motion that day cuz I was wearing my stilettos cuz I was meeting my husband for lunch after therapy and he promised me to valet. That didn’t happen. Not because of my husband not valeting but because I got a call on my cell from a neighbor about some metro looking guy with a Super Bowl ring and 2 blonds blowing up New York Giants inflatables on my front yard. You know how us New Englanders feel about New York and I had to go right home now that I knew my Incredible Wonder Fork would do the trick. And since we’re talking physical therapy, have you ever bumped into illegal use of hands? Just askin’. I haven’t.