There IS something worse than bathing suits…

… and it’s (jelly roll, please) WOMEN’S TRAINING TIGHTS.

Holy ass-size, Batman.  Can they make these things any more humiliating?  Or distasteful for the poor souls exercising or running behind you?  I mean, think about it.  Your ass is jolting, walloping, smacking and banging… and you don’t even have them ON yet.  And just for shims and wiggles, let’s talk panties.  Do you wear panties under these torture devices?  Can you?  Talk about getting your panties in a bunch.  It’s more like getting your panties in a bind.

What fiend came up with this lively experiment, anyway?  Was there some fascination with the potential squadrons of women pouring themselves into black spandex/lycra, compressing every last inch of cellulite to their tushes (is this a word?).  And then there are the names of these constrictors.  No, no.  Not Pinion Pants or Stifle Tights.  Not Stuck Hard or Padlocked or Vulnerable.  Or how about Hogtied.

No.  These things are called Bliss and Extreme.  Personal Best and Ultimate.  Ultimate what?  Permanent binding of the two cheeks of your ass?  I kind of like having that good old crack… just where it belongs.

So, anyway.  I’m heading out to bathing suit shop with the biggest smile cracked on my face and with the other crack just where it should be.

There IS something worse than bathing suits… was last modified: February 9th, 2010 by Sharon Couto
SHOWHIDE Comments (8)

  1. Ah, Sharon, you are so punny! 🙂 It’s so true, though. The age of bicycle shorts was in when I was hitting puberty. I’m convinced it must have been some sort of pennance for a sin committed in my youth.

    Of course, you could always do the ol’ lift and seperate on your cheeks when you get them on 🙂

  2. Oh, I think bathing suits are definitely worse. At least with the tights your cellulite is compressed and hidden, not out there flapping for the world to see. And don’t even get me started about varicose veins which you can’t hide under any kind of bathing suit unless we go back to the style of the Roaring 20’s.

  3. You crack me up. I personally prefer yoga pants. I wear them to walk and exercise. Both of which being something I need to do more of.
    I’m with Connie on the bathing suits. Way scary!! At least on me.

  4. I’ve never worn training tights, but today I discovered the fresh hell that is maternity pantyhose… and can I just say NEVER AGAIN! Oh, but bathing suits. I’m not looking forward to the girth *I’ll* be carrying around this bathing suit season.

  5. Oh, yeah, you only have two options for under those training tights: thong or commando. And why limit the grumbling to women’s training tights? I don’t want to see a man’s junk encased in spandex and Lycra at the gym either!

    I second Erin’s comment on maternity pantyhose…. yet another reason I’m glad this baby is due in July instead of Feb. like my first baby.

  6. This made my day girl. It is so rainy and dreary here and I needed a laugh! I need new work out gear. I will make sure I look in the mirror before venturing out in public. I hate it when the crotch hangs down when they aren’t tall enough.

There IS something worse than bathing suits… was last modified: February 9th, 2010 by Sharon Couto