I spent a few days with Audrey while her husband was out of town. All I can say is… thank God I have thick skin. Or, at least, “pretty lines.” I’m thinking that I must get William (just turned 4) and Alexander (just turned 3) together for a little tutorial in what NOT to say to a woman. Yep. And I will begin my session with a quote by Seneca that goes something like this: Only a few men of genius will lift a head above the surface. Seneca forgot to add… when it comes to women.
OK. Rule #1: Do not ask a woman, while washing her face, if she is washing away “the lines.” Yes. “The lines.” I had to think for a second or so before I realized that William meant what he meant. “You mean ‘wrinkles’?” I asked as I washed away the expensive anti-wrinkle guarantee-er. Honey. Honey. Honey. No woman wants to hear the word “lines” meaning wrinkles during her morning beauty regimen. I will admit that William’s recovery was on the periphery of genius when he quickly added, “But your lines are pretty lines“… but to keep your head above the surface, never use these two words together again. Ever.
Rule #2: Do not tell a woman that another woman’s butt is smaller. Even, Alexander, if the other woman is your Mommy. I will admit that it gets tricky here, but the best policy is silence. And the giggling while bringing this observation to life is just, well… indiscreet. Remember that genius with women requires an aptitude of submerged truth. Yes, some things… nay, all things female butt-related are better left unsaid.
Rule #3: Do not openly ponder a pedicure gone askew. I mean, it’s autumn. Fall. Women in New England and in many parts of this world are now wearing shoes. It’s time to learn, boys, that an artistic statement (like perfectly painted toes) is often warm-climate related vanity. Fashion’s smile sometimes just doesn’t reach the toes this time of year. A woman DOES NOT NEED this pointed out the first thing in the morning as her toes peek from beneath the blankets. Genius overlooks chipped polish.
Rule #4: Do not stare a sleeping woman awake. Sleep, boys, is a gentle thing. It requires collaboration with dreams and fantasy and nature. With sleep, women renew and revive. Remember, boys, that mentioning the words “snore” and “drool” unravel the sweetness of a woman’s slumber. Especially if she is your Grandma.
I could go on with my tutorial (as there are many more rules), but I am feeling a bit like the donkey who thought herself the deer… until confronted with the honesty of grandchildren!
