“Are you washing away your lines?”

I spent a few days with Audrey while her husband was out of town. All I can say is… thank God I have thick skin. Or, at least, “pretty lines.” I’m thinking that I must get William (just turned 4) and Alexander (just turned 3) together for a little tutorial in what NOT to say to a woman. Yep. And I will begin my session with a quote by Seneca that goes something like this: Only a few men of genius will lift a head above the surface. Seneca forgot to add… when it comes to women.

OK. Rule #1: Do not ask a woman, while washing her face, if she is washing away “the lines.” Yes. “The lines.” I had to think for a second or so before I realized that William meant what he meant. “You mean ‘wrinkles’?” I asked as I washed away the expensive anti-wrinkle guarantee-er. Honey. Honey. Honey. No woman wants to hear the word “lines” meaning wrinkles during her morning beauty regimen. I will admit that William’s recovery was on the periphery of genius when he quickly added, “But your lines are pretty lines“… but to keep your head above the surface, never use these two words together again. Ever.

Rule #2: Do not tell a woman that another woman’s butt is smaller. Even, Alexander, if the other woman is your Mommy. I will admit that it gets tricky here, but the best policy is silence. And the giggling while bringing this observation to life is just, well… indiscreet. Remember that genius with women requires an aptitude of submerged truth. Yes, some things… nay, all things female butt-related are better left unsaid.

Rule #3: Do not openly ponder a pedicure gone askew. I mean, it’s autumn. Fall. Women in New England and in many parts of this world are now wearing shoes. It’s time to learn, boys, that an artistic statement (like perfectly painted toes) is often warm-climate related vanity. Fashion’s smile sometimes just doesn’t reach the toes this time of year. A woman DOES NOT NEED this pointed out the first thing in the morning as her toes peek from beneath the blankets. Genius overlooks chipped polish.

Rule #4: Do not stare a sleeping woman awake. Sleep, boys, is a gentle thing. It requires collaboration with dreams and fantasy and nature. With sleep, women renew and revive. Remember, boys, that mentioning the words “snore” and “drool” unravel the sweetness of a woman’s slumber. Especially if she is your Grandma.

I could go on with my tutorial (as there are many more rules), but I am feeling a bit like the donkey who thought herself the deer… until confronted with the honesty of grandchildren!

“Are you washing away your lines?” was last modified: February 9th, 2010 by Sharon Couto
SHOWHIDE Comments (9)
  1. Too funny! I wonder when boys learn what to say and what not to say to women? I once went out and spent $40 on concealer after a male student remarked that I had purple circles under my eyes!

  2. That William is always so thoughtful, both with his compliments and the things no-one wants pointed out. Alexander’s remark made me laugh hysterically, though… nothing holds him back!!

    And I hope I age as beautifully and as gracefully as you… pretty lines and all!

  3. Great post. When I was little I stayed over night with my grandma, and cried because she asked me to wash my face. I was afraid I’d scrub in the “lines” she had. (Maybe now I have?) So these rules don’t just apply to little boys …

  4. Can I send my little guy over to learn these lessons? I’d teach him myself but I’m still crying from the time he told me my butt was “bumpy” or that my boobs look like “teensy tiny hills”. 🙂

  5. I should add that those two comments came on two seperate occasions and the boob one was when I picked him up at preschool and he looked at me, patted my chest and announced that to the whole class!

  6. LOL! Ohhhhhhh! These are fantastic rules, Sharon!!! 🙂 Great post, as always!

    BTW, I need to thank you for being such an endless source of positivity and encouragement during this difficult time. You are a true breath of fresh air and a true gem! Thank you 🙂 Let’s hope my little “Junior” listens to your advice too, and doesn’t decide to arrive tooooo prematurely! Hoping we can hang on for another 4 to 6 weeks at least!

    xo

  7. Too funny! Coincidentally, I was goofing off with my 3 YO the other day & making silly faces when she pointed to my forehead and said “Mommy has stripes!” I thought/hoped I mis-heard her when she reinforced it by saying I had stripes like a zebra on my head. Nice, huh?

“Are you washing away your lines?” was last modified: February 9th, 2010 by Sharon Couto