Have you ever been to the pool and just wanted to scream because nobody follows the pool rules? It drives me CRAZY! I just want my nieces and nephews to be safe and it’s other kids that don’t follow the pool rules that really makes me want to SCREAM! I mean. SCREAM.
Adulthood can be a drag, I know. Working for the man. Paying the mortgage. Making dinner. Picking up the dog poop in the backyard. I get it, I do.
But there are certain rules we, as adults, must adhere to, and I fear that many people at my pool club – and thus, pools around the country – are not getting the memo.
Let’s go through Pool Rules
Ergo, I think it’s time for a refresher course in Rules For Acting Like an Adult In and Around the Pool. I am going to act as Head Lifeguard to go over these with you, so listen up. I am ready to blow my whistle at a moment’s notice.
1) Let’s start off this set of rules with this rule: Follow the Pool Rules. Huh? Yeah, that’s the question I asked myself when I saw two sweaty men, fresh from a game of pick-up basketball, walk right passed the outdoor shower heads and hop in the pool without rinsing off first.
Why I am blowing my whistle: Hello, health code!? The “Pool Rules” very clearly state that everyone must take a cleansing shower before going in the pool. Chlorine only does so much, and let’s not forget that adult sweat is just as nasty as kid sweat. I’d just as soon not go for a dip with either floating around me.
2) For the love of everything holy, Do Not Hold Your Nose when you jump in the water. I’m sorry, but this especially applies to men. Again, this is something I witnessed a few weeks ago, to a resounding “Oh no he didn’t!” in the eye glances of everyone around the nose-plugging offender.
Why I am blowing my whistle: There is really no science involved in jumping in the pool without getting water up your nose: Jump. Breathe out of your nose. Enter water. It’s so simple that really, a child can do it. And many, many do. Are you following my logic?
3) Dress Appropriately. I’m not saying you have to look frumpy, but is dripping in jewelry really comfortable or necessary or practical? And I’m not sure I get the point of getting your hair blown out before heading to the pool… and strategically placing your sunglasses so as to act as a headband and not move and inch. As opposed to, you know, using them to shield the sun.
Why I am blowing my whistle: Trying to be a MILF is so… ew, it’s just gross last year. And if, when you reach across the picnic table to feed your child, the entire snack bar area is blinded by cleavage, it is really time to consider covering up.
4) Keep track of your children and Don’t Rely On Others to do it for you. Personally, I am a bit of a kid magnet, so I see it way too often: parents spot a kid-friendly-but-childless Auntie or Nanny type and think, “Hey, they’ve got nothing to do! Free childcare!”
Why I am blowing my whistle: I love kids, I really, really do. But unless you’re related to me or slipping me some moola, your child=your responsibility. I’ll be over here with my nieces and nephews. Your child is welcome to join us – but you best not disapper on me, mkay?
5) I’m all for claiming a spot along the pool deck, but Remember That You’re Sharing Space With Others. Your chairs, blanket and bags need not cover 100 sq. ft. and be spilling over onto the blanket of the family next to you.
I mean – are these Pool Rules too hard for people?????
Why I am blowing my whistle: This one is just common courtesy, and if you can’t respect other people’s space, well… we’re going to have to reconsider your membership in the Adulthood club altogether.