Q: Sometimes my two-year-old pushes other children and has recently started biting, too! What can I do?

A: Young children usually experience their emotions as physical energy. Since they naturally lack self-control, they often release this energy impulsively. Simply telling them, “Don’t hit” is rarely effective, because they still feel angry, but don’t know what else to do. Likewise, it is difficult for them to use words, because they haven’t mastered language enough to know what words to use and how to express them appropriately. These children need to learn effective ways of expressing their feelings and releasing their anger energy.

For some children, learning to express anger appropriately can take time. Some responses might appear to give a quick fix (spanking or biting the child to “show how it feels”), but teach the child that there are times when aggression is okay. To a child, if a parent does it, it must be okay. To teach children healthy anger management, parents can consistently follow several steps.

First, tell children that it is okay to feel angry, but it is never acceptable to hurt others or themselves. Offer acceptable alternatives for releasing the physical energy. If the child bites, provide something acceptable to bite (a rubber object or blanket). If the child pushes or hits, suggest he stomp his feet. These are only temporary steps toward your long-range goal of having a self- controlled child! Since it may take awhile for the child to control his impulses, a temporary substitute is needed until he has mastered more acceptable anger management skills. Supervise social situations closely, until you are sure the child is handling conflict appropriately:

Teach children a three-step plan:

• First, the child can try using words to resolve the conflict. Teach children the exact words to use and role play possible scenarios.

• If words don’t work, tell children they should walk away. When children feel like hurting someone or themselves, they can use an acceptable temporary substitute. If the other child bothers them, they can say, “I want to be alone.”

• If this isn’t enough, children should walk away and seek adult assistance.

Rehearse this plan with the child before social outings. Eventually, as the child’s verbal skills and self-control improve, the physical aggressiveness will decrease.

Be a role model. Become aware of how you handle you own anger. If you slam doors, throw things, yell, slap, or spank, your child will often imitate these behaviors with others. Instead, use your child’s natural tendency to imitate adults to your advantage. The next time you are faced with an upsetting situation, talk out loud to yourself, knowing a sponge is listening. This will reveal your mental process of choosing appropriate responses to conflict.

Parenting is a two-way learning process. Our children learn from us and constantly provide opportunities for us to learn about ourselves. Teaching our children appropriate anger management skills helps us master these skills, too.

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator, second-generation parent educator, founder of The Family Network, and President of Parents Toolshop Consulting. She is the author of 100+ parent education resources, including her award-winning book, The Parent’s Toolshop. For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents and family professionals through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing’s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on the Advisory Board of the National Effective Parenting Initiative.