I was 17 years old when I got my first paid writing gig. It was for Teen Magazine, in this January 1998 issue:
(Click to enlarge)
At first glance, you may think my article had something to do with FUN!
I mean, look at some of the titles on the cover: “TOTAL GUY GUIDE!” and “The Ups & Downs of Dating a Babe” and “Valentine Babes - Hanson Tells Us Everything” (which, by the way, HANSON!? OMG they’re all, like, dads now!)
But no, my article was kind of like the Debbie Downer of this Teen Magazine issue (in relation to the cover stories, at least). It totally didn’t even make it to the cover. (But hey, I got a byline. And $300.)
It was one of those “Real Life” stories. You know, when you live through something kind of crappy and then write about it for a magazine. (Although, I do remember one time, in one of these teen magazines, reading a “Real Life” story with a title like, “I Gained the Freshman 15″ - and I just didn’t feel that girl’s pain.)
In any case, the title of my article was “Anxiety Attacks Made Me Live In Fear” and I had originally written it as part of an English project in my Junior year of high school. My teacher suggested I send it into some magazines, and I did, never really thinking much more of it.
Then one day while I was at the movie theater watching “Men In Black” my mom paged me on my beeper (ha! classic!) and I called her from a pay phone in the theater lobby. Teen Magazine had called the house. They were interested in my story.
A few months after that, I received a copy of the magazine with my article - my writing - inside:
(You can click to enlarge these, too, and read the article, but just know that I had nothing to do with the sensationalistic subtitles, like “The First Freak-Out” and “Getting a Grip”.)
Why did this suddenly come to mind? Well, lately I’ve been reminded that no matter how long I’ve had to deal with panic attacks (it’s been over 13 years now), or the fact that I’ve been able to live a happy, normal, successful life despite them… I will never be completely free from them.
Over the past 13 years, I have gone through stages. Some of these stages have been completely panic-attack-free. Other stages, not so much. That’s where I am now - one of those “not so much” stages.
The thing is, they just come out of nowhere. And they interrupt life. Scratch what I said before; really, panic attacks are the definition of Debbie Downers.
A few weeks ago I was on one of my training runs for the marathon I’m doing in May. I felt really good. And then, out of nowhere, I started to panic. My throat closed up, I couldn’t catch my breath, my chest got tight, my whole body became hot. I was close to home, but not close enough where I felt safe. Sometimes I can talk myself down from the panicky feelings, but other times it’s just beyond my control. This was one of those times.
I made it home, but not before I seriously considered flagging someone down to help me. By the time I got home, I felt OK… and that’s when the feeling of being a total failure comes into play. See? You’re fine. You were fine the whole time. Nothing really happened. It was all in your head. Yes, then it’s time to beat myself up a little.
Even though I have the most supportive family, I resisted telling anyone about my little episode because, well, I felt silly. And I know they worry, and I don’t want them to worry. It was just best to tuck it neatly away and not bother anyone with it.
Of course, that’s just a bad idea because once panic attacks creep their way back into my life, it takes more than wishful thinking to make them go away. That’s why yesterday, during a spinning class at the gym, I started to get those same panicky feelings - tight chest, heavy breathing, dizziness. If I get up and walk out, everyone will be looking at me. The teacher will make a big deal about why I’m leaving. So I sat there on my bike, in agony, just going through the motions as I (unsuccessfully) tried to calm myself down.
After that, it was time to come clean… to my family, to myself - my panic attack threat advisory is in the red zone:
You see, I’ve learned is that once a panic attack hits me in a certain aspect of my life, the threat of it happening again in a similar situation is sometimes just as scary as the panic attack itself. Never before had I encountered a panic attack during any kind of exercise… but now that it has happened, it’s there. And I need to rework things so that, well, it’s not there anymore.
One thing I have in my corner - that I didn’t have 13 years ago when the panic attacks began - is the knowledge that this too shall pass. I know there’s an end in sight. I have 13 years of successes, accomplishments and accolades, all that I have achieved on my own, despite the anxiety that tries to creep into my life (sometimes successfully) every now and then.
And I know I’m not alone. Every time I happen to mention panic attacks, other people who also have them seem to come out of the woodwork. It’s like we’re all in a secret club that no one talks about - until someone talks about it. (I’m totally making this into a movie and the first rule of the Panic Attack Club is going to be: You do not talk about the Panic Attack Club.)
For now, I’m just happy to have this blog as a place to write this all down. Maybe I’m not getting paid $300 to write it, but at least I don’t have to post disclaimers for any sensationalistic subtitles.
Have a Wii? Nintendo has a great game for pet lovers, Petz Sports. You can care and play with adorable puppies and challenge your friends in multiplayer mode.
I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to seeing Hotel For Dogs in the theater! It opens January 16. I love the tagline: No Stray Gets Turned Away.
Tonight I will write a list. I will title it Things To Do in 2009.
They won’t be resolutions, per se, but rather things I want to accomplish within the next year. Because as fast as the years seem to fly by, there’s a lot - big and small - one can do in 365 days.
Among my “Things” to do?
Start some sort of foundation or charity in honor of Bismarck. It baffles my mind that we have been without him* now for almost a year and a half. An idea I’ve had is a fund for people struggling to afford their pet’s medical bills. I just really want to do something to honor my boy, who brought so much love and joy into the world and into my heart. (*physically speaking, of course, as I believe he is always with us in spirit)
Come up with an organizational system for our entryway/laundry area. We have this little space where we enter our house through the garage, and it has no rhyme or reason to it. The tiny closet does not fit all our jackets, shoes, hats, scarves, umbrellas, etc., so they end up getting strewn about - on the kitchen table, on top of the washing machine, (I hate to admit this) on the floor… I need a plan to organize this space. Badly. (Paging Nate Berkus!)
Do something with the 8 million (a slight exaggeration) domain names I have registered over the course of 2008. Sometimes I’ll be driving an an amazing business idea will come to mind - and I go home and register the domain name right away. This has happened quite a few times (hence the *nearly* 8 million registered domain names). Some, as I look back on them, are just OK… but some really are amazing. And it’s those that I will pursue in 2009.
Run a marathon. I’m training for one in May - I’ve already registered for it. I’ve run a half marathon before, but this will be my first full one. 26.2 miles in 2009, here I come!
Make Ryder and Seth feel love and happiness every single moment. Because that’s truly what they give me.
These are a few of my “Things.” There are more, and I’m sure there will be more as the year goes on. Some big, some small… all important to me.
I’m just happy because I won a bet. Last night, Steve bet me I wouldn’t wake up for my 7:30 AM spinning class this morning. (I’ve been known to be a bit of a sleeper-in-er.)
But he was wrong and I was right. I got up and went.
Hasn’t he learned, in 4 years, that he married a very stubborn woman?
I am seriously the definition of “last-minute holiday shopper.” I just started my shopping over the weekend, and I’ll probably be done, oh, around 4 PM on December 24th - just before heading over to my parents’ house for Christmas dinner and gift exchanging!
I know I’m not alone, though. And that’s why I was excited to talk to Best Buy BlueShirt Jevon Kinloch and Geek Squad Agent Eddie Johnson about ideas for last-minute holiday gifts.
Did you know you can go to www.askablueshirt.com and ask any technical questions about your holiday gifts and gadgets even if you did not purchase them from Best Buy? Now ya do!
This week’s round-up of important/useful/interesting/fun pet links:
Paw Luxury and BISSELL are teaming up to give away TWO Bissell Pet Hair Eraser Vacuums! Details for this giveaway can be found here. Contest Thursday, December 25th at midnight.
Wishing that a) the weather was warm enough to bring my dogs to the beach, and 2) we had a designated no-leash beach like San Diego’s Dog Beach. Look at all the fun these doggies are having there!
I wish there didn’t ever have to be any sad pet posts. My heart is heavy for Maggie at Okay, Fine, Dammit, who recently had to say goodbye to her kitty after 13 1/2 years together.
Should people make New Year’s Resolutions or not? Will they really stick with them? Why not make “lifestyle changes” rather than resolutions they’re bound to break?
I say: Make the resolution. Why not?
Many people make a New Year’s Resolution to lose weight in the coming year. Sure, sometimes they package it differently - “I want to go to the gym at least 3 days a week” or “I want to eat healthier” - but the bottom line is, they want to lose some lbs.
Other people resolve to quit smoking (which they really shouldn’t be doing in the first place, tsk,tsk) or be smarter with their money or spend less time watching TV or volunteer more or make an effort to keep in touch with friends.
Me? I need to get organized in a major way.
So again, why not? Most people (me included) don’t just randomly decide one August afternoon to start making major life changes. Sure, some do. But not most.
There’s something about the New Year. It’s a new beginning. A clean slate. A fresh start.
I’m going to get organized. And that’s final. It’s what I resolve to do in the New Year.
What about you? What are your thoughts about New Year’s Resolutions? What is yours?
This week’s round-up of important/useful/interesting/fun pet links:
Get ready to submit your favorite pet photo to the 2009BISSELLMVP (Most Valuable Pet) Photo Contest! Follow them on Twitter or Facebook, and they will tell you how to enter. Check out last year’s contest winner here.
Make your own free, funny, personalized holiday e-cards with Critter Carols from PetCentric, featuring singing dogs and cats. You can upload pictures of your own pets!
Over at Paw Luxury, win a copy of the book “Eco-dog: Healthy Living for Your Pet” by Corbett Marshall and Jim Deskevich. Contest ends Monday, December 15 at midnight.
How’s this for a great gift for the animal lover in your life: a donation in his or her name. Ideas? Make a contribution to Bill Foundation in someone’s honor (they’ll get an adorable card letting them know) or get them a membership to Defenders of Animals.
It’s Day #9 of our 12 Days of Must-Have Holiday Gifts at Mom Generations! Our video gift guide today will help you get the best gifts for the KIDS on your list.
And the best part? There is a chance for you to WIN everything we feature!
2) Twitter about it! Tell your followers about our video gift guide and today’s contest, and send us the link to the tweet or send a screen shot to momgenerations@gmail.com (use the subject line Day #9 Tweet). You can use http://tinyurl.com/MGDay9 to link to today’s video).
3) Blog about it! Tell your readers about our video gift guide and today’s contest, and send us the link to the blog post to momgenerations@gmail.com (use the subject line Day #9 Post).
4) Put our button on your blog. Grab the button at the top of this post and put it on your blog sidebar. Then email us at momgenerations@gmail.com so we can check it out (use the subject line Video Guide Button). (Even if you’ve already put the button on your blog, email us again so we can enter you for Day #9’s prizes!) Here is the html code:
