I’m not a big crier.
Sure, I cry, but it’s not something my kids see very often. Let’s put it this way, when I do cry in front of them, it’s for or because of a really good reason.
Monday night we were heading back from Disney’s EPCOT to the Animal Kingdom Lodge. The shuttle was packed solid, so we all had to break-up and half of us had to stand. Fortunately there was one empty seat, so I was able to sit down with Victoria. The shuttle was dark, so she was clawing me the whole time. I felt so bad because she was so scared, but really being a good girl about it. After a few minutes into the ride, a little boy, probably around 5 or 6 years old, sitting on the lap of his older brother next to us started waving to Victoria. She kind of didn’t want anything to do with him because she was so scared of the dark, but he kept waving and talking to her and I completely knew he was harmless and just trying to be nice. He was my Henry’s age, and I knew my Henry would be doing the same thing next to a little baby, too.
When we came to our first stop, the lights went on bright, bright, bright and it was the first time we all were actually looking at each other. The little boy took one look at Victoria and said, “EW! What is that on her head?”
I know he’s only 5 or 6 years old, so I truly, truly was trying not to let it bother me… but she’s MY child and of course, it does. His mother was HORRIFIED, and she tried to diffuse the question immediately, but I said to her, “It’s OK… ” and I looked at her son and said, “It’s a special birthmark, honey.”
To which the boy remarked, “I’m so glad I don’t have one of those disgusting things on my head! EWW!!”
And that was what broke me.
Not there. Not on the shuttle. Not in front of the boy and his family.
I sat there for the next few minutes looking straight ahead until we got to our stop, knowing that if I looked up or down, the tears would fall and fall like endless drops. The mother of the boy grabbed my hand on the way out and said, “I’m so sorry for my son, your daughter is beautiful.” It took all of me without breaking down right there, but I simply said, “I know. Thank you.”
It’s funny, I knew my little Victoria was beautiful inside and out before I even had her… call it a mama-instinct. She’s my perfect package of everything I ever dreamt and prayed for. She’s the whole package for me.
I was the last one off the shuttle. I hung back on purpose. I didn’t want the boys to see me upset.
The second I walked over to them all waiting for us, my Benjamin said to me, “Did you hear what that mean kid said?”
I just put my head down and I just sobbed.
I sobbed uncontrollably. Right there. Right in that moment. I sobbed. The kind of sob that everyone needs in a lifetime, I just didn’t plan on having mine happen outside the Disney Animal Kingdom Lodge shuttle. I had never sobbed about her hemangioma till Monday night and it wasn’t about “it,” it was about the boy’s comment and my beautiful little girl.
It just hurt me to the core to hear someone say that about my daughter. Her birthmark defines her and I wouldn’t change a thing about it. It’s who she is and it’s the beauty of it that makes her shine and delight so much. She was born with this beautiful mark and it’s something that was meant for her, a special mark… or as my brother Keith refers to it as, “her beauty mark.” Throughout the year we’ve been asked hundreds of times by hundreds of people about Victoria’s hemangioma. Every time someone’s asked, I’ve answered honestly and directly. I actually appreciate the question because I know it’s something that people are curious about and it’s a good chance for me to tell them what it is. I think everyone in our town, at the boys’ school and on the boys’ swim team knows what a hemangioma is now.
I don’t know why Monday night was so different for me.
I don’t know why this time, in particular, broke me. I crumbled.
I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t move. My sons didn’t know what to do other than just hug me. They instinctively just put their arms around me and let me get it all out. My husband, God bless him… told me to let it all out, let it go. He knew I needed this. Needed this moment.
I cried for my daughter who knows nothing about her hemangioma. She doesn’t know that the boy made a mean comment. She doesn’t know he was disgusted by it. And that’s what killed me inside. It literally just broke me.
I’m a strong woman. I’m a fierce woman. I’m a determined woman. I’m a kind and compassionate woman.
I want my sons to see ALL of this in me.
But Monday night, they gave me exactly what I needed, the chance to shed some tears and just be there to love me.
When I was able to gather myself and keep moving, my Ben and William each held one of my hands. Ben looked at me and said, “Next time do I have permission to kick his B-U-T-T?” (he spelled it out).
And then all the tears were replaced with laughter.
I’m sorry that happened to you, but I’m glad that your sons were able to see that there is strength in vulnerability. *Hugs*
Reading this made me ugly cry. A few parents have told me how thankful they are that there’s nothing wrong with their kid. WTF?! There’s nothing wrong with mine either. I often try to hide my tears from Addie, but I know that I want her to feel OK being vunerable. You have a beautiful family and heart and we love you!
Thank you for sharing such a raw piece so many of us moms have felt- and really, some kids needs a good lesson in SHUT THE HECK UP!
Oh, Audrey. I’m crying reading this. I love hearing your heart on this. I love the way your boys supported you. I love everything about your sweet family. <3
Beautiful story Audrey! I have a large birthmark on my neck. I remember wearing a turtleneck every day the entire 7th grade year and trying to find the best makeup to cover it up. Now, I embrace it. It’s beautiful. It’s me and God marked me special!
Oh momma, I love you! I love your honesty and openess. I love that little girl of yours and your entire family! It’s so hard to hear anyone say anything negative about our kids I think it’s especially hard when it’s coming from another child because we immediately go to that place of “my child is going to be bullied” I’m sorry you went through that, but glad you shared your feelings and emotions with us and especially with your boys! I think it’s important that our kids know we’re strong but also to know that sometimes it is ok not to be! Victoria is beautiful and so lucky to have such great brothers to kick b-u-t-t if necessary 😉 xoxo
I’m crying at work now. Big hugs to you, mama. It’s a powerful thing to let our children witness what it is to be human, the good and the bad and in between. She is beautiful and perfect, mama, like you, her dad, her brothers and all the people who love her.
Audrey, I’m so sorry you had to experience this. I just cried reading this because it just reminds me that our sweet children are going to be exposed to a world we can’t always control. Your Victoria is a gift from God and is blessed and beautiful. You handled the situation with dignity and class.
My son once pointed to a grown man and asked loudly why he was so little. I was mortified. He has exactly that unfiltered mouth that is insensitive and hurts feelings. I’m so sorry. I’m glad his mother stepped in and will hopefully pass on a lesson to her son. And your sons? Oh my gosh, I just adore your family. Keep up the great work mama.
Great post Audrey. My kids have seen me cry several times, many of those times I’m crying for them. Victoria is beautiful btw!
You were blessed with Victoria and Victoria is blessed to have such a wonderful family.
I know exactly what you are going through. The minute I held my daughter I saw a tiny red mark on her left cheek with tiny veins around it. It got bigger and bigger every day. Her’s was a compound hemangioma, and it would bleed, sometimes so bad I was afraid it would never ever stop. She had to wear gloves on her hands to keep her from breaking it open, and if it broke open she would have to wear a patch over it till it healed. The veins went all the way up to her eye and ear. The looks and comments I got were terrible. I actually had a woman suggest I take my daughter to the er “to have that bruise looked at. Because it looks REALLY BAD!”. Yeah, thanks, random lady who I don’t even know. I didn’t care about the people and their stares, or the kids’ rude comments, because Lo was MY baby, and she was BEAUTIFUL! And so is your little lady. Hang in there. 🙂
I”m very sorry this happened but very glad your boys and husband were there to support you. {{{Hugs}}}
I’m so sorry you had to go through that, and with so much grace. I would’ve kicked his b-u-t-t and his mother’s, for that insensitivity comes from the parents not discussing things with their kids in their home. I’ve taught my kids from a young age to be sensitive, and they learned more about that when my son was teased about the gap in his teeth..That had me crying to – very angry tears. Victoria is an absolute beauty and she will be just as fierce as her mama one day.
I totally can relate.. I’m sorry this happened.. and your daughter is gorgeous!! all my kids grew up with one.. my victoria had it near her ear my little man and the new baby behind their neck. they do grow out of it. my 11 year old old had surgeries when she was a baby almost died on us.. and she has her scars on her belly. Huge cut that indents all around her belly.. my nephew 5 came over when she had her bathing suit on.. and screamed.. ugh vicky your stomach is disgusting.!! i was so hurt.. my daughter immediately ran inside and cried her eyes out.. i cried too, it was cruel not intended to but cruel.. i cried.. but she’s alive and thats her mark that she won her victory!! its what makes her more beautiful.. i totally can relate to the feeling and wish i could give you a big hug.. your daughter is gorgeous.. my natalies patch didn’t go away till about 9 years old. It is very important for parents to sit down and talk to their kids.. i sat my 5 year old down and explained to him as soon as this happens.. they are kids and we are all human.. and we are all different.. HUGS mama.
What a beautifully articulated story, though I’m sorry you had to experience a bit of meanness (without malice) as a catalyst for the story. Every time you share a bit of you and your daughter’s love through your writing, your love expands just a little bit more… do you believe that? I do. You’ve made me look at my own daughter’s birthmarks/tween skin issues in a new light, and I thank you for that. You are very blessed indeed, and your kids are blessed to have you as a mom.
virtual hugs to you. Thank you for sharing this. I think as a mom we try holding everything in to be strong for them but those things we know we can’t protect them from, that is what breaks us. You are a great mom and sounds like you have wonderful boys that will be protecting her in the future. My older daughter has a similar birthmark, she had to have it removed a few years ago.
I’m sorry this happened to you. It also happened to me with my son when he was about victoria’s age. My response was the same as yours,and I also broke down.
My Logan will be going into Kindergarten this coming school year and I’m scared and nervous for him at the same time that some “mean” kid is going to say something like that to him.
His friends and cousins all know of it as Logan’s special birthmark.
And does he have your permission? 🙂
I’m so sorry, Audrey. My daughter had one on her back and one on the top of her head until she was about 2 years old. I was able to hide the one on her back easily, but the one on her head was a little harder, although easy when I had a headband or bow. I know exactly how you feel. But it’s good for your children to know that although you are fierce and strong, that it’s okay to cry sometimes. It’s human and normal. Keep your head high and hold that baby girl tight. She’s just precious.
Oh Audrey, I’m in tears reading this because as a mother this hurts me too. Victoria is beautiful, but you know that. And I’m so sorry that happened. But I’m so glad you are surrounded by such wonderful men (or little men) to hold you when you cry. I’ve cried a lot lately and I hate to have my girls see me cry but when I do, they are right there to console me. And knowing that they will be there for me when I cry the hardest, is what will make that moment easier.
I’m so sorry this happened. You have a beautiful family and sometimes the mama bear just has to come out (this case, in the form of tears). xo
You needed that cry. While you try hard to make sure your daughter knows how beautiful she is, it hurts a little knowing she has to deal with the scrutiny. I know I should understand that boy is little but personally as someone who teaches her daughter with Autism social skills it makes me angry. How is it ever ok to tell anyone eww about anything?
And your kids? Well you know how much I love them. Matt is right to tell you to let it out, it is liberating. Your family oozes so much love that it is sure to be the only memories V has! Much hugs and love
Oh Audrey, I just want to hug you. It’s so hard when your child experiences anything that makes their lives harder.
My son is legally blind and I remember sobbing when I got the diagnoses.
Victoria is surrounded by so much love and protection. I feel bad for any kid who makes fun of her with four big brothers.
Oh and I just read this to my son and he also offered his services as a butt-kicker if anyone hurts Victoria’s feelings.
Thank you Tracy! 🙂
Reading this made me tear up and I’m so sorry you had to go through that Audrey. I wish parents would teach their children proper manners. So terrible! You’re daughter is gorgeous and perfect in every way!
So much love to you!! xo
I think we should all have a section on our blogs for “things that bring a parent to tears.” This powerful moment was necessary and powerful. Sending you hugs–I know you get plenty from the McClelland men, but girl hugs are good too.
You are just doing it all so right. I admire you for being so resolute and then allowing yourself to cry. It was the right thing. Love, love, love to you all!
This post brought me to tears – and I am not a crier either. Tears for your hurt and tears that kids could be so cruel without even realizing it.
Victoria is beautiful and showing your feelings is beautiful too. The little boy was expressing his feelings, as hurtful as they were, it became a meaningful moment for you and your boys. Little Victoria is so lucky to have her “big” brothers, you and her dad and you are all so fortunate to have her. xo to you Audrey for sharing with us…
Oh my sweet friend…I cried with you as I read this. You are doing everything right and are surrounded by so much goodness, so much love. Those boys (and beautiful girl) need to see the vulnerability in your strength. Everything about this is, as hard as it felt, just brought you all closer together. So much love to you. xoxo
You know I was wondering how you were dealing with that. I know it’s just superficial and is supposed to go away but we are all human. Though I am usually a BIG cry baby, my girls can’t recall seeing me cry too much either, but I think it’s good for our kids to see that we are vulnerable and that life is not perfect for us either, but even more so how we deal with those situations. I’m so proud of how strong you are and how great of a mom you are. I speak about you often, mostly with friends who don’t know you as a blogger just as an amazing mom and an awesome human being.
I know my thoughts are scattered, but I wanted to let you know this really touched me and I’m so thankful to have a friend like you.
I’m so sorry your were hurt Audrey and thank you for sharing it. The strength you mustered at the moment is admirable and I know your daughter will continue to learn a great deal from it. Victoria is beautiful, as are all your children. My love and many hugs your way. And thank goodness for our sons who help lift us and make us laugh when we need it the most!
Thank you Jennifer!!! I feel the same about you!! xo
Oh, Audrey. My heart was breaking reading this post. Victoria is such a beautiful babe and so lucky to be a member of your family! I think the message is so true–while, we try to always put on a strong front for our kids, it’s important for them to also see you cry. I think it helps them to grow up as sensitive human beings. Hugs to you and Victoria–she’s such a gem! xoxo
p.s. my boys will help your boys kick some B-U-T-T if anyone messes with Victoria!
Sometimes a good cry is the best thing for us. And I think it is a healthy thing for our kids to watch you process your feelings and come out okay on the other side.
You are the most amazing mom with the most amazing family.
Audrey, I love that you wrote about this and shared this story, because sharing is all apart of the process too. You are such a strong woman and Victoria will no doubt follow right in your fierce footsteps! Xoxo
I think we all need that kind of release once in a while. How your Sons handled seeing you cry speaks volumes about you and Matt as parents.
I have a feeling that even though Victoria’s brothers will be standing in the wings to kick any B-U-T-T, she will be a confident, beautiful and strong girl who can handle it on her own.
xoxox
My first son was born with a birth defect! I had a similar situation happen at the mall! V is loved and so are you. Sometimes you just have to cry. Xoxo
aww audrey~ i couldn’t help but cry reading this. avery just turned 2 in june and we’ve had a few of these “encounters” over the last couple years. usually children, so i feel bad bc they obviously don’t know any better (but some ignorant adults too!) i was the same way, had my “it’s her birthmark, she’s actually on medicine and it’s in the process of going away… it’s like how you have a beauty mark, just larger” ect… but there were a couple times i broke down- one of the first when it was rapidly growing and our neighbor (a boy about 5-6 at the time too) said- “ew! what is on her face”, just starting to get down my speech- i said, ‘well, its her hemangioma, it’s like a birthmark..” he cut me off and said “well, it’s weird, she’s weird”
i was stunned. i honestly wanted to kick him or run away or something- the worst part, i looked at my son (who was 4 at the time) & the look on his face was horrified- thats when i lost it and started to cry, he said “why did he say avery is weird? every baby has hemangiomas!” haha. he was so sweet and so taken back- at the time the birthmark was taking over half of her face and brody was just assuming that all babies had “red marks” as he called them:)
victoria is stunning and i think it will help give these little girls character. 🙂
Victoria is perfect, and so are you. I’m glad you let yourself have a cry, and I hope that fella’s mom had a chat with him. Xoxo
That saying about having kids is to have your heart walking around in the world is so true. What a painful comment about your beautiful daughter, but your boys’ reaction? that was also beautiful. No one is going to mess with your daughter. It’s hard to be vulnerable in front of our kids, but I think this was an important moment to share as a family.
I’m crying. My 6 year old has learned that Mommy cries….having lost my mom so unexpectedly, the Grandma she never knew, it was inevitable. I can’t always hold it in. She knows. She knows Mommy is strong and it’s okay to feel everything. It’s made her an incredibly empathetic child….and hopefully adult one day. I hope and pray that for all your children too. I’m betting so!! 🙂 XOXO
Oh sweet Momma!!! HUGS and tears right with you! I am so sorry for the hurt but so glad you got to let those tears out and have your boys there to support you! My baby girl — not such a baby now — has many stares and comments about her stereotypies (seizure/tic like movements) and it breaks my heart. It makes me angry and sad and frustrated. But as her cousin Julia said to her, “It is just a part of you.” Life can hurt. Life as a momma can hurt even more. HUGS!!!
You rock. Your daughter is stunning. Your family is amazing. The end. PS I grew up with white spots from vitiligo and still have them today. I’ve had my share of mean comments but they’ve never defined me. And Victoria certainly won’t be hindered by them. 🙂
Hugs to you! Kids sometimes, just have no clue!
Audrey, I totally understand the need to mourn. My daughter was born with one hand. We’ve had the gross comments and even worse… by kids who know and don’t know her. I mourned when she was a baby and sometimes she needs space to mourn as well. I think we help our kids as we live our lives and show the general public that differences aren’t THAT different. No need to hide, we can celebrate even when we hit the bumps when words sting. (The newest thing my daughter and I talk about when someone says something mean: It’s so sad that kid isn’t growing up with the knowledges that differences happen.)