What’s missing…

My mother’s post, “What’s missing?” left me in tears. Bittersweet tears. Tears of happiness that my mother got to experience for 22 years the love of her father… tears of sadness that my mother has not been able to share the last 33 years with her father, here on earth.

As I read her post, I was left thinking… What is missing in my life?

I have a wonderful, loving husband. 4 beautiful, healthy sons. An amazing family. A fabulous circle of friends. And a fulfilling business.

So… what is missing?

A daughter.

Now I need to preface right here, right now… that this is a hypothetical “What’s missing?” I don’t wake up every morning tinking… “Oh… I need a daughter.” My sons are my life. They are my inspiration. They are my dreams come true.

But a daughter… that would be the “missing” in my life; more so because I am so close with my own mother, that I have always wanted to create and share that bond with my very own daughter. I know that it would be an experience and adventure that I would honor and cherish and absolutely love.

After having Henry, my 4th son… the questions began POURING in… “Are you going to try for a girl?” That question always makes me laugh… “Is it possible to ‘try’ for a girl?” I know there are “secrets” and “things you can do” to help ensure the possibility of a girl… even my NYC OB/GYN told me there were some… but Matt and I never wanted to do that. We wanted to leave up to the powers that be. And after all… socks during sex? Will that really bring a girl?

But truth be told, yes. I would love a girl. I would love a daughter. I would love a chance to be a mother of a little girl. I think it would be an amazing experience… especially after being the mother of 4 boys.

A healthy baby was always my prayer every night. A healthy baby, a beautiful combination of Matt and me. That was what I asked for… I have friends who would do anything to have a baby. So I have always known innately from the beginning… gender doesn’t matter. After miscarrying a baby after Alexander, my second little boy… that was more true than ever. Please send me a baby. A baby.

But as I pondered that question last night, I thought to myself… What would be missing from MY life is a daughter. A longing. That’s it.

Maybe someday I will have a daughter. And maybe someday I will have 20 granddaughters! But it would be amazing to know that feeling. To have a little girl look into my eyes and see myself. That’s a powerful bond. I see it with my sons. I see it in my sons.

And to my husband… who always thought we would have 4 girls… not 4 little boys, you would be an amazing father to a little girl, too.

Life is life. I have to say, when I first began to ask myself what’s missing… I was apt to say, “nothing!” Maybe I felt that’s what I should be saying. But, truth be told… a daughter. It wouldn’t complete my life to have one… it would just add more to this adventure!

SHOWHIDE Comments (18)
  1. My darling Audrey… What my dad always wanted was a granddaughter. To “spoil” as he said. Well, he got his wish in you and Janie. I remember the moment you were born… I was so expecting a boy… and then I knew that my dad had sent you. I also knew, in all certainly, that Janie was a boy… it almost took me aback when your Dad said to me, “It’s a GIRL!”

    The miracle is that he sees you and hears you and touches you. I know this. You know this. And I know that my dad and your Nana will gather angelic forces up there… and send you a baby girl one day. I can’t explain how I know. I just do.

    I, too, want you to share this miracle… I love you and honor you and cherish you so very, very much… each moment of you.

  2. I am choked up over this post. I do know how much I love my friends’ children, but I know also that the love of my life lost his son only a year ago and so I cannot push this issue without pushing him away. So, I’m waiting to see if life lets me have my own, and if not then I get to be the fun “aunt” to everyone else’s kids. But, missing from my life: My own (human) kids. It’s not a deal breaker, my life isn’t ruined if I never have them, but I do consider them something that I’m missing.

  3. I couldn’t agree with you more Audrey – I love my two sons with all my heart – but Tracey – now that is different – she is my joy, the light of my life. She is on her honeymoon in Aruba this week , but I have received two phone calls from her. John’s mom on the other hand – a big fat zero. That’s the difference between a son and a daughter – Love, Aunt Sandy

  4. I agree totally. I love my boys. They are my life and if I have more boys….. thank goodness! I have all the stuff! But…if I were missing anything…. I would say that also. A baby girl would be grand.

    Also, we tried the “girl stuff”….. and we ended up with baby Grayson- our second baby boy! I am so blessed to have him and thank God every day that I was given another boy instead of a girl!

  5. I ponder this question daily – I have 3 sons. I have come to terms with the fact that I was put on this earth to mother boys, not girls. I enjoy my nieces and I can pray for grandsons. Frankly, my sons are the joy and light of my life. They look at me like no other person does and I wouldn’t change that for anything.

  6. You know, it’s funny…I actually read your mom’s post yesterday (I’ve become somewhat of a blog stalker here.:) and thought the same…but didn’t post.

    I’m not sure if it makes me feel bad for wanting a daughter. My 3 sons are the joy of my life and I am not in anyway disappointed in having boys, I love boys, I often think I’d feel the same way if I’d had all girls perhaps…but the longing is still there…so separate from the love and joy of my boys.

    Life has given me so many blessings, and like you said…it’s just a longing…

    Thank you for being honest and sharing…

  7. I have yet to read your mom’s post.

    But this longing, I can relate to it.With my past 2 pregnancies, I did long for a baby girl. But I was blessed with 2 wonderful boys. With my 3rd pregnancy, I pretty much have allowed that longing to pass. Am not too sure if after having a 3rd boy my longing for a daughter would come back.

  8. I hope that the missing from your life is one day fulfilled. I understand the wanting a healthy child. I use to think that since I had 2 C-sections that I was missing something by not having them naturally. I came to realize that wasn’t true for me.

    Your boys are adorable, but I think because of the relationship you have with your mom you would be great mom to a little girl.

  9. You never know what is in the cards. Might be a daughter!

    This is a great post though and got me to thinking about what is missing in my life. I haven’t quite put my finger on it yet but when I do I’ll try to post.

    Nell :–)

  10. I never thought about it. I have 3 daughters, and never really wanted to have a son. In all honesty, the thought of parenting a boy is scary. Girls I know. We are for sure done though, as we took “permanent measures” years ago. I’m ok with that. Our family is what it was meant to be.

  11. I feel the same way about having a daughter someday; my mom and I are so close that I have always thought about how wonderful it would be to have a daughter to create that same bond with. I often think that the relationship you and Jane have with your mom is so similar to the one I have with mine. 🙂

  12. I must say I never knew how I’d feel having a girl after all the boys- I always felt so content and complete with them. Having a daughter is not like I had expected- at least not yet. She is a person and I’m still getting to know her, despite the fact that she happens to be a girl. But I do think if you have that desire in your heart, what’s one more try? : )

    Steph

  13. I share in your yearnings. But for me, I always wanted a son. In fact, we were ready to try the methods proven to produce a boy, when we found out we were already expecting. While I love my girls to pieces, there will always be a part of me that wants a son.

  14. Mom of four girls here and I have felt the same. I think about having a son, but found peace in the realization that this is our perfect family. Just the way it was meant to be.

  15. This is so very true. So true. I know that I will ALWAYS be the MIL and never the mother. I think I’ll miss that when the boys are adults

  16. it is funny, isn’t it? i just had a baby girl that i am so in love with. from the time she was born i have longed to be able to give her siblings…not right now of course, but someday. my biggest fear is that i may not be able to give her any. i grew up with lots of brothers and sisters and i want so much to give her a sister or a brother one day. we prayed and prayed and went through so much to bring audrey here that i feel a little greedy when i have that longing feeling. i just think about how much this little girl is loved by me and her daddy. we have so much love to give. it is amazing how all that pain seems like such a small moment when i hold her. all i feel now is joy in her.